My Dirty Large Secret
by Vevay
Summary: Sophia realized one day that killing no longer affected her. She came to believe that Albel's harsh words were true and distanced herself from her friends. This is her first hand account of her struggle.
1. Just Another Day

_I'm just getting started even though I've had the idea for a while. I'm a little slow to write. I actually wrote this in January and am just now getting around to writing more, but I'll try to do more in the next few months._

It was just another day. We all rose from our beds. Fayt, Cliff, Maria, Peppita, and I ate together. Albel was missing as usual. Then, we

proceeded with whatever the goal of the day was. That day we were going to Suferio to sign The Killer Chef. That is what we do. We go from

place to place recruiting inventors to get experience in battle along the way. We tried going to the Mosel Ruins to get the creator, but were nearly

beaten by that Chimera. We don't really have the time to spare, but we aren't powerful enough to beat the creator. So that is what we decided to do.

That day we left from Kirsla. After breakfast, we gathered our belongings and checked out of the inn. Albel met us a Woltar's gates

complaining about how long it took and how slow we were, just like any other day. We were barely out of the gates when those dumb

guards atttacked us. I don't understand them. We're on their side now, but they still fight us. I decided to use a quick firebolt to take out the one

nearest me. There was no reason to use anything stronger. Just like every other day we fought them, the battle ended quickly and we continued victoriously. We didn't even slow in Aries. There's not really anything there. The only reason to stop is to visit Clair and the others. I really like Tynaave and Farleen. We only stopped for a few minutes in Peterney. Fayt thought it would be a good idea to check up on the workshop and everyone agreed. Well, Albel didn't say much, but that's not unusual. Everyone was fine, so we left quickly. Peppita and I were discussing this music star whose name I've forgotten when the thieves attacked.

Cliff, Albel, and I were prepared for battle. Since they ambushed us, I had to back away from them quickly. Cliff started to run one way, but turned right around and began to fight on low fury. Albel didn't even begin to turn. He quickly took out two thieves. Cliff ran after another, but he is kinda slow and it took a little while. Still, one decent hit and the thief was done for. I decided to use firebolt again.

"Why bother with harder spells when a simple one would do? These worms are just as weak as those pathetic guards." I thought as I cast.

The thief didn't stand a chance. It took him down with the second hit.

"Hm. worms... I sound just like Albel." I thought, "Well, I'm not Albel. At least I don't kill without even a second thought...without caring..."

It was then that it hit me. It hit me hard too. I had been killing all day and the only thing I worried about was the ultimate goal of defeating

the Creator and whether or not that singer would be okay and throw a huge concert. I didn't care anymore. It was just another day... and that was

the problem.

3/04/07

I know it's short. The rest should be longer. So what do you think so far?


	2. A Not So Good Talking To

_I found where I had actually written some more. I added to it a little and I've got chapter 2. I have only a slight idea of _

_where I'm going to go from here though, so it may be a while._

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I wasn't expecting what hit me next. It was Albel. I was so consumed with my realization that I didn't know what was happening around me. I jolted back into reality. He was glaring at me now. All I thought at the moment was how that was something else I had finally gotten use to.

What's a matter with you, worm?" he asked. His tone was even...without concern, but without his usual contempt also.

It was then the past few moments caught up with me. There had been one more thief. He had tried to kill me while I was in shock. Albel had caught up to him just before he struck me. I looked down to see where he would have stabbed me and saw his blood instead.

"Hey maggot!" Albel yelled as he grabbed my arm. I looked up at him and that was it. I couldn't help myself. I didn't even try. I fell against him sobbing and he just let me fall to the ground. The others must have finally noticed and came running. I know they yelled at Albel wanting to know what happened and he simply scoffed and walked away. The rest of the day was a blur.

The next morning, I was more coherent and aware, but I was by no means better. Everyone kept asking me what was wrong... everyone but Albel of course. I just kept telling them I didn't want to talk about it. Maria had been thinking about Roger's books that night. She thought of a place that one might be referring to, so we left for the forest. I didn't battle on that trip. My friends didn't think I was in any shape to fight. Of course, I wasn't. I was happy for the time to think though. Well, I wasn't happy. I was far from happy.

"How did I get this way?" I wondered."What caused me be to become so casual about taking the lives of others? Does anyone else act this way? I've seen how this has affected Fayt. Oh my goodness. Even Nell still cares and she is a long time soldier. What is wrong with me? Only Albel is as bad as this. Albel. Yeah. It's him. I just need to stay away from him. He is a bad influence."

I began to think of different scenarios that could happen so I could put as much distance between Albel and myself. Ironically, that is what landed me one on one time with none other than Albel the Wicked himself. I hadn't been paying attention to my friends. We had made it through most of the forest to the part that had once been foggy. The fog had returned. I thought I had been following Cliff, but it turns out I had been on the trail of a fiend. I guess my following annoyed it and it turned back to attack me. That is when I was jolted back into reality. There had been too much of that lately. The battle shouldn't have been that hard, but I wasn't fighting as well as I could and it was so fast I rarely had time to prepare a spell. I began to get weak from its attacks. I managed to put some distance between us and cast Thunder Flare. I couldn't get away fast enough after that though. It caught me. Then, Albel appeared. It wasn't long before the fiend was dead. Albel looked at me a moment before he spoke. I couldn't look at him. I just sat down and examined the ground waiting for him to leave so I could follow him back to the others.

"What is wrong with you? You've been acting strange." he stated very plainly with a hint of suspicion.

"I...I just realized..." I didn't know how to tell him.

"What?" he prompted impatiently.

"I didn't feel anything when I killed that thief. It's like... it's like I didn't even care anymore that I was ending someone else's life. Doesn't that make me as bad as the Creator? I...How could I have become so cold? Even now, I'm only upset because I don't feel anything for him...for all of them.. the ones I've killed... I still don't feel... regret or...I don't know, but I shouldn't feel nothing. I'm a murderer, a monster. I..."

I was at a loss for words again, but Albel was not.

"So little Miss Innocent isn't so good after all," he said with a smirk, "You are the worst kind too, you know."

I looked up at him with tears already in my eyes.

"You seem so innocent, trustworthy, and good, but you're really not. I wonder what your supposed friends will think."

"No. Please don't tell them, Albel. Please." I sat up to my knees and begged him.

"Hmph. Why should I keep from them that they have another monster among them? What do I have to gain?"

"Whatever you want, Albel. Please!"

Now, I really began to cry.

"And the monster cries. How pathetic. I bet you've even fooled yourself into thinking you're really good."

Then, he turned and walked away from me. With my thoughts elsewhere, I just got up, followed, and tried to stop crying.

3/7/07


	3. Chapter 3

Well, here's my attempt at a third chapter. It's getting harder for me to write. Albel is so mean and I am so...not. I don't really know what to have him say... or do. Not to mention, I want to start all over because I just started playing again and realized that the soldiers and the thieves are not there after the group gets back to Ellicoor from 4D space. I'm not going to redo it, though... at least not yet. It would set me way back. It's also short. It seems I will be writing it in short spurts. I never know how long before I will write again. Between school and work though I don't get much of a chance.

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"He's right," I thought, "He's right. I am a monster and I am pathetic. What WILL my friends think? Can I really call them my friends? I've been lying to them all along. I can't let them know. "

I tried to act cheerful and happy, but I found it very difficult. I was so focused on my acting that I walked right into Albel's back. He turned his head and glared at me, but said nothing. I was immediately relieved because Fayt and the others were to our front.

"Sophia! There you are. I was so worried." Fayt said as he rushed to my side as soon as Albel moved to revel me. The way he placed himself between me and Albel, I think he was as worried about Albel as he was the fiends.

With the brightest smile I could muster, I told him I was fine since Albel found me. He then put his arm around me and walked me back to the rest of the group. I don't think he noticed how uncomfortable the close contact made me feel.

"You seem to be feeling better." Maria remarked. I think she may have been uncomfortable at the contact too, but I can't say for sure.

"Much!" I beamed, "I guess I just needed some down time."

"If you ever need anything, just tell me okay?" Fayt turned to me seriously.

I smiled sweetly at him. I was quickly becoming good at deception. It made me feel even worse. No one noticed , though. Well, I'm sure Albel knew, but he didn't say anything.

The others had found what they were looking for while I was lost, so we headed back to Peterney for the night. Given my great recovery, I was thrust back into battle.

My first battle was me, Fayt, and Maria against two of those monster trees. I tried to forget what I had realized in my last battle. I tried to fight, but as I felt the fire gathering in my arms, I could only think of how it still meant nothing to me to kill this being. I released and gave the final blow to one of the trees. I only healed Fayt and Maria for the rest of the battle. As we continued, I tried to reason with myself.

"If I really don't care, why is it bothering me so much. Can't I use this... emptiness to fight more and become stronger? Yeah. Then, the more I fight, the less the others have to fight. They are not like me. They are good and this fighting is hurting them. I still care about them... don't I?"

Then, the second battle began. I charged aggressively into the fight. They had no chance. I used strong and week symbology from a distance and also ran in for close attacks with both symbology and my staff. Even Fayt noticed the change and commented on it after the battle. I made some comment about having a lot of energy from resting or something. I was really focused on Albel as he stood of to the side smirking at me. He knew my secret and could tell them at any time. He wouldn't though. No, he was enjoying watching me struggle to pretend.

Fayt walked very close to me the whole way back to Peterney. He insisted on talking about some game he had been playing back on Hyda. Peppita skipped up to us and grabbed my arm. It took all my will power not to jerk it away from her. I didn't want them touching me. She began rambling excitedly about the singer between battles. I wanted to cry or scream in frustration. They were so nice and good and caring. We walked into town and seperated. I didn't know where I wanted to go. I regarded everything with indifference.

"I just have to get away from them. If they knew, they couldn't stand to be around me. They'd treat me like they do Albel, but I'm lying to them. Like Albel said, I'm the worst."

I felt I had to put as much distance between my supposed friends and me as I could. I didn't deserve them.

"I deserve to suffer and be alone... like Albel."

So, I turned down an alley that I couldn't see any of my friends ever entering and found a dark corner to hide in. I didn't hide very well I guess.

"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" a grummy looking man said appearing in front of me. "Now what are you doing here?"

"Trying to avoid people, so go away." I told him. It didn't work.

"Now why would I want to do that?" he replied with a leer, I imagine. I was still looking at my knees.

"Because you don't want to get hurt." a low voice said from behind the man.

The man turned to look, but I didn't. I knew that voice. Albel had followed me. The man instantly recognized Albel the Wicked and left quickly. As soon as he was gone, Albel grabbed my arm and dragged me out of the city.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**Well, I'm not satisfied ( I really don't like it that well at all), but I'm tired of going over it. I'm ready to move on to something else. Sorry for the delay on such a short chapter though. Work just got crazy, but school is out and and my hours are about to be cut (unfortunately).**

* * *

"What the hell is wrong with you?" he yelled as he pushed me off the path. He had dragged me through the town so fast that I barely had time to register the looks on people's faces. They were worried for me.

_"I wonder if Fayt knows I'm missing yet..."_

Albel continued to push me a little way into the the woods. It seemed like even the trees wanted to rescue me, as their branches reached out into my path like arms trying to grab me. Albel kept pushing me through though.

_"Where are we going and why?"_ I wondered, but I didn't ask.

He continually murmured unkind names and insults under his breath. Suddenly, he spun me around to face him when we reached a less dense area.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" he asked again, his voice low and threatening.

He was angry and Albel is very scary when he is angry. I wasn't feeling very scared though. I mostly wondered why he was so angry.

"Why do you even care?" I cried.

"Hmph. If you get yourself hurt or killed, it will upset the blue haired maggot and slow us all down."

He was suddenly a calm angry again. His mood swings could could be enough to drive those around him almost as crazy as he was.

"Of course." I said nearly in tears again. I turned and walk at few feet. "I didn't really expect you to actually care anyway."

"Hmph. I don't know why he even does. You've been annoying at very least from the moment I met you. I bet you've always been weak, emotional, and clingy."

He leaned back in his casual uncaring way, but he wasn't through yet.

"You're voice was the first thing that annoyed me. I thought your voice was my eternal punishment. You are barely useful in battle... always moving so slow. As far as I can tell you have nothing to intellectually add to the mission. You can cook, but we can easily buy food, so you are still useless. I don't see how the maggot can stand you always being so close to him either."

He paused again with his trademark smirk.

" I suppose he thinks he needs to protect you. You are his weak, innocent, kind hearted friend. You were, that is. We both know that isn't true. At least your "good nature" was almost useful. Now, you've not only lost your only supposed 'redeeming quality', but you are endangering the entire universe with your weakness...your emotions... or lack there of. If you get yourself killed, we cannot get to that Creator guy."

He paused.

"Why would you risk that? "

He glared at me a moment and then walked menacingly toward me. Suddenly, he slapped me and I fell to the ground. It wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't used his claw. I knew he wasn't a kind man. I knew he was "wicked". I remember his discussion with Fayt back in Arkives. If asked, I would have agreed that he might hurt me for almost no reason. I knew, but I still stared up at him, hand on my face, in shock.

"Are you trying to get hurt?" he asked in a low voice.

He reached down and grabbed my arm again. He pulled me up close to him.

"What? Are you wanting to be punished?"

He shoved me into a tree. He pinned me there with his body and his eyes.

"Because I could do that. You don't need to go down a dark alley for that."

His voice was low and he was so close. I should have been scared, but I found myself just looking at him.

_"His skin is so smooth looking. How can a warrior with the past he has have no scars on his face or stomach or arms. I wonder if his skin is really as smooth as it looks..."_

He smirked at me and I realized with horror that I had raised my hand to touch his face. I blushed so deeply that I felt like I was back in the desert. I was worried I was going to start having trouble breathing. Then again, maybe that was all because of Albel too. He knew he was having an effect on me. He leaned in so close that our noses touched. He was so close that his breath brushed against my lips. I felt weak.

"Worthless maggot."

He turned abruptly and left me alone. I cried again. It was beginning to annoy me.

5/8/07


	5. Chapter 5

Okay, apparently I am updating short chapters in short spurts with long breaks between. I keep realizing that I have never written a disclaimer like I see in my stories. It's probably a good idea, but we are on I doubt anyone thinks I am writing a completely original story. Well, I hope you like it.

* * *

After crying for a minute, I realized I had no idea where I was or how to get back to Peterney. I nearly started crying again, but I pulled myself together and stood. I knew the direction we had come from. It was the one with all the broken branches. So I started walking. In only about two minutes, I realized that I actually found my way back to the main path.

As I stepped out onto the path, I was started by a figure standing nearby. I raised my hands in defense, ready to fight if I had to. Albel merely chuckled before walking back towards the town. I breathed a sigh of relief. I couldn't handle anymore today.

"Come, maggot," Albel stopped and turned back to me. "and heal yourself."

My healing spell took a little longer without my staff, which I had left back in the inn, but Albel waited with surprising patience. We narrowly avoided a Convictor on the way back, but we did not succeed in avoiding the Myconid that blocked the gate to the city. Without my staff, I felt as worthless as Albel said I was.

_He doesn't need his sword or even his claw to fight, but without my staff, I can barely manage a healing spell._

I couldn't stand by and do nothing though. Mocking at poor fighting skills would be easier to receive than mocking about not even trying to fight. I spent most of the short battle practically dancing around the monster, but I did get a few hits against it. I was backing away to at least try a spell, but I spent so long concentrating on hitting the Myconid and not Albel that the latter finished the battle. He made a snide comment about it, but said nothing to me before resuming our walk back.

Entering the city was a relief. I pondered seeing if the outfitter had anything new, but it was nearly dark now, so I simply followed Albel back to the inn.

_I love this town. I love the cobblestone streets and the open markets. It's like living in a dream._

It was when we were at the steps to the inn that I realized the self hate and pity I was feeling earlier this day was fading. Not only that, I had not been feeling anxious to see my friends again. I smiled an actual genuine smile as we walked through the door.

"Sophia!" Fayt called to me, relief in his voice. That knot in my stomach came back.

"Oh Fayt. How are you?"

He studied me a moment.

"I'm fine... How are you and where have you been.?"

"Oh... I... was out with Albel. We were getting in a little extra practice."

Fayt looked to Albel who silently walked away at Fayt's glance without bothering to leave his weapons at the counter. With Albel gone, Fayt turned back to me.

"...without your staff?" he asked.

_Damn it... Did I just say damn? Oh wait, Fayt._

"Uh.. Well, I was practicing my spells without it."

"That is impressive but very dangerous." Nell said coming in the door.

"Well, I ... mostly focused on healing."

"Still, I wish you had waited until I was with you." Fayt said, closing the gap between us with a protective friendly hug.

I still had a hard time with close contact, but I could handle it better at least. I pushed him away gently and smiled at him.

"Thank you, Fayt. I will now." I reassured him.

"Good, lets get some rest now. We leave for Suferio in the morning." Nell reminded us. We were ready to try again.

"You and I are in room 10." Nell informed me.

"Okay, I'll be there in two minutes. I'm just going to sit out here and have some tea first."

"Okay. Goodnight."

"Do you want me to stay?" Fayt asked.

"No thank you. I just want to be alone for two minutes out of the day."

"Alright then. See you in the morning."

I sat down and watched him leave.

_He's suspicious, but he trusts me. He doesn't suspect a thing like it really is... and I could never tell him I'm only pretending. Well, I guess it's been two minutes._

I stood and walked down the hallway.

_What room was it? ... Two I think._

I should have listened to Nell better, or at least gone back and asked the inn keeper, but I was so tired. I just walked right in room 2. The lights were off, so I figured Nell had just already gone to bed. I took off my shoes at the door and laid my jacket on the table's chair.

_Wait... a table... Only the rooms with one bed have a table. Do Nell and I have to share a bed?_

I felt my way around the table. My eyes were beginning to adjust to the darkness, so it was a bit easier. I didn't know what to say to Nell, so I approached the bed silently. Just as I got to the side of the bed, I thought the figure in the bed didn't seem much like Nell. Then, it jumped out at me. I quickly found myself pinned to the floor with a claw and a katana to my throat. It took a few seconds to register.

"Albel?" I whispered.

"Sophia?" he asked.

Hearing him say my name for the first time excited me so much that I became speechless on the spot.

"What do you want, maggot? Why did you sneak into my room?"

I still had no words to explain to him how I ended up there.

"Miss me already?" he sneered.

"I... I.."

I realized he was still in position above me. It brought back memories from earlier and I prayed... Well, hoped he could not see me blushing.

"Well?" he prompted as he shifted to a more comfortable, and closer position. He now straddled over me with his arms to each side of my head.

Oh, he knew what he was doing to me.

"I thought this was my room. I.. I guess I should go. Nell is probably wondering where I am."

"Hmph. Unlikely excuse." He leaned in closer. "Why are you really here about to crawl into my bed? What do you want me to do to you?"

He was so close... and in a skirt I realized just then. I couldn't speak. I couldn't move. I just held my breath wondering what he was going to do next.

* * *

5/14/07 


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

* * *

It turns out the next thing he did was kiss me. I was so surprised that I let him... or at least surprise was the reason I told myself later. It was a rough kiss.

_I wouldn't expect anything less from him._ I thought later.

I wasn't thinking much at the time. Then, slowly my thoughts came back to me.

_Okay, here I am, lying on a hard wooden floor on an underdeveloped planet pinned under Albel the Wicked... and enjoying it as he bruises my mouth with his mouth and tongue..._

Suddenly, he stopped. With one quick motion, he slide off to my side, grabbed me, and tossed me to his bed.

"No, no, no, no, no." I whined.

My whole attitude abruptly changed.

"No, no, no, what?" He asked in a tone I have never heard from him as he towered back over me.

"No, no, I want to do this." I closed my eyes in genuine anxiety over what I had gotten myself into.

"It seems to me you want it very much, " he alleged, "but if you really want to leave..."

I did, but as I opened my eyes, I realized that he was surrounding me once again and not moving. I whined a bit in my frustration. Finally, with a sinister chuckle, he moved to let me off the bed. I quickly rounded the table and put my jacket on before looking up at him again. As I put my shoes on, I saw that he had already turned over to go back to sleep. Significantly more relaxed, though my heart still beat rapidly, I simply walked to the door. He didn't really care, of course. He was just torturing me. He was plenty willing to wait for me to come to him.

_And I won't._

I paused at the door, praying... well, hoping that no one saw me leaving his room. For some reason, for which I was very thankful, I remember the room number Nell had told me. So, I walked quickly upstairs to our two bed room and crawled into bed barely bothering to slip off my shoes.

_We were at the Kirsla Training Facility. I remembered that much. How I ended up blindfolded, gagged, scantily dressed, and bound to ... something, I wasn't quite sure at the moment. I pulled on the ropes, but there was no give in them at all. I tried to use what senses were available to me to figure out where I was at now, but I didn't have much to work with. It was very bright and there seemed to be a breeze. My heart pounded when I realized I was outdoors. I could tell by were the breeze that I was not wearing very much at all. I pulled more forcefully on my bonds, but realized with a whimper that I wasn't going anywhere._

_A low chuckled alerted me to the presence of someone else. Albel. I knew it was him. He was the one standing in front of me delighting in my unease and he was the one that put me here. The question was if there was anyone else there too._

Oh please don't there be anyone else to see me like this...

_He walked up to me and stroked my cheek. I bit back another whimper._

_"I told your little friends that I saw you leave about an hour ago. They believed me. They wondered why you would just leave without saying anything to anyone, but you have been acting strange lately."_

_I took in as deep of a breath as I could and held it waiting for him to continue. _

_"They were worried and went out looking for you. The fools will be gone for days and you are all mine until then." I could imagine the smirk on his face._

_I let out a slow ragged breath. They weren't going to be coming for me. I didn't know whether to be disappointed or relieved. _

_He began to touch and pinch and kiss me all over for what seemed like hours. I hated that I was loving it. I could tell he was just about to do something new, but then he stopped._

_"What do you want, maggot?"_

_I was just about to answer him when I realized he wasn't talking to me._

Oh, no. Oh, no. There is someone else here. Oh, no.

_I could feel my whole face turning red. There was someone else looking at me like this._

_"Sophia? Sophia? Are you okay?" I heard Nell ask with calm concern._

_I really began to panic then. Nell was there. _

What if Fayt is here too. What about the others? How long have they been here? Did they see me actually enjoying what Albel was doing to me? Oh, no."

_I felt like I was going to cry for a very long time._

_"Sophia! Sophia, wake up." Nell insisted._

Wake up? _I thought._

_Then, with the realization that it was all a dream, the whole place went completely black._

I opened my eyes.

"Hey, are you okay? You've been moaning for a while now and you're hot and red. Should I go get a doctor?" the real Nell asked.

"No," I told her, "It was just a bad dream."

_Just a "bad" dream._

* * *

_05/17/07_


	7. Chapter 7

I have to thank Dragon Chyld. I was really getting discouraged that no one liked how the story was going. I started writing this for me, and still am, but I did get a little addicted to reviews. :) I am getting frustrated, though. I am trying to hurry their "relationship" without it feeling rushed. That and I can't decide how it will end. Will they be together? Will they split up? Will they even survive the end of my story? I just don't know yet.

* * *

_What is he doing here?_  
That was the question on everyone's mind. We have been traveling together for months, but this was new. Albel never ate any meal with the group, but there he was, sitting between Nell and Maria and across from me. It was an unusually quiet breakfast. Even Cliff said little. He wasn't paying attention to me. He was just sitting there eating. It didn't matter, though. It was driving me crazy. I was so nervous that I could barely eat.

"Are you sure you're okay, Sophia?" Nell inquired.

"I'm fine. Really!"

"Is something wrong, Sophia." Fayt jumped into over protective mood immediately.

"No, really. I'm fine. I just had a bad dream last night. That's all."

"Really?" Fayt asked.

"She was moaning for a long time and she was hot and sweating. Now you're not eating."

I could see a small smirk on Albel's otherwise impassive face and I began to blush again. At very least, he suspected.

"I'm just not hungry that's all."

"I wish you would eat some more though, Sophia. We have a long trip today."

"I know. I'll try." I smiled.

We all picked at our food for a few more minutes until Fayt stood up.

"Okay. Everyone, check out and gather any supplies you need. Once we get past Suferio, there will be no more places to buy supplies. Let's all meet at the gate in about half an hour, okay?"

There was a general mummer of consent and everyone began to get up and leave. Fayt and I were last. I think he wanted to make sure I kept eating.

"What are you going to do for the next thirty minutes?" I asked him.

"Well, I need to go to the outfitter and I want to check with the workshop one more time before I go. I'm not sure I'll have time to do both though."

"I'm going to the outfitter too. Would you like me to get your stuff too?

"Sure, Sophia! That'd be great!... but can you carry everything?"

"I'm not a baby, Fayt. I can carry both our stuff for a little while. " I teased

I was feeling more comfortable around him until I realized it.

"Okay. Okay. I need three more of Fresh Sage, four Blueberries, and a bottle of Winking Sage Cider.

"No problem." I said with my fake smile.

"Are you sure you're okay. We can stay for one more day."

With a sigh, I told him he worried too much and I left.

After I gathered our supplies, I started to go to the gate to wait for everyone else. Peppita was already there, performing for some of the local kids. I leaned against the post and pretended to watch. There was a lot more fighting to come and every victory we achieved meant more guilt for me.

_Why am I always so satisfied by a victorious battle? How can I just inflict pain and death on these beings and not care?_

When Fayt finally made it to the gate, everyone else had already gathered. Most were watching Peppita's show. Albel was leaning against the gate on the other side of the street watching me with a smirk. The way he had been watching me lately was unnerving. Fayt apologized with a sheepish smile and we all turned to continue our journey.

I was admiring the scenery when we were attacked by a Convictor and a Myconid. Cliff and Fayt threw themselves into the middle of the two. I went after the Myconid to the right and summoned Efreet. Then, I had to back up to heal Cliff. The Myconid came after me and the Convictor cast Thunder Flare on the guys. Sooner than I would have liked, I had to start using items. Between enemy attacks and Fayt's insistence at using stronger symbology, both were getting low on MP. The Convictor was defeated first. Cliff soon finished the Myconid with a strong kick.

It wasn't hard to skirt through to Surferio. Most creatures had cleared out and left a mostly open path. I stopped at the Faerie Tear, but the didn't have any Blackberries. I still had plenty though and we moved quickly through town, hoping to avoid a meeting with Roger.

I hate the Passage from Parched to Plenty. It's so creepy and the enemies are annoying to deal with. Our very first battle lost Cliff. I had to quickly bring him back and use more of my Blackberries to sustain him. He did get the last blow with a Sphere of Might, though. I hate the Mosel Dunes too. It is so hot and sweaty and sticky there. I was just thankful we knew our way this time. We almost made it without having to fight a Chimera.

Once again this battle was extremely difficult. I spent a lot of time trying to support Fayt and Cliff. Cliff was incapacitated almost right away. After reviving him, I spent several minutes trying to heal him, but he was moving around too much, so I had to use one of our few Physical Enhancers. The battle was in our favor for a few minutes, but then both of the guys were incapacitated at the same time, so I had to use an Analeptic too. I began to get very frustrated. My healing spells just were not hitting there marks and Cliff was even paralyzed! I cast a quick Cure Condition, but it was too late. They were both incapacitated again. I cast Gravitation, hoping to give me more time to heal. Finally, a healing spell hit the mark on Fayt, but to save time, I had to use more berries on Cliff. Though Healing was working well again, it was all I seemed to have time to do. I managed a few Fire Bolts and Thunder Flares, but mostly had to heal and use Cure Condition. Then, Fayt started using Explosion a lot, so I had to use some berries on him too. While I was doing that, Cliff was incapacitated again. A few minutes later, Cliff was incapacitated AGAIN! after a Triple Attack. Even though I used berries, it wasn't enough in time and I had to revive him again. My MP was getting low at this point too. Then, it was Faerie Light, Restoration, Cure Condition, and berries one after another. I thought the battle would never end, but it did.

Ragged and tired, we stood around for a few mintues.

"I guess our leveling up wasn't as much as we thought." Fayt stated.

"Leveling up?" Nell asked.

With a shrug, Fayt told her it was gaming terminology. "Might as well use it."

We debated on whether or not to go back to the inn in Surferio, but we decided to push on just a little bit longer first. We would have to go all the way back to Peterny for supplies soon anyway. Adray healed us and I ate some Cold Soba once we got inside the ruins. Once again, I was glad we had been here before and knew where we were going a little. The monsters were different though. They were faster and harder to avoid. We soon found ourselves in a battle with two Convictors. Cliff and I were incapacitated several times during this battle. Fayt barely managed to keep himself alive, despite the quickness of the enemy and the repeated Air Raids, that drained him so much. Fayt saved me at the last moment, finishing off the last Convictor, but Cliff was still incapacitated at the time. We decided to head back after reviving him.

We tensely ate there in the hallway and tried to sneak back. To everyone's surprise, Albel once again ate with us instead of keeping guard. He sat across from me again. We didn't get back far before running into a Proclaimer. This time, Albel shoved Cliff out of the way and joined the battle in his place. I realized with a silent groan that I was glad he did. It was a much easier battle. I only had to revive Fayt once and Albel twice and had an even mix of offense and support. Soon, we arrived at the Surferio "inn". It was late when we arrived, but we were still able to get some beds.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

_The moon was full and beautiful against the black sky. I watched it from a window high in a tower. Sighing, I turned around to the familiar room. With my elegant old fashion dress trailing behind me, I walked to the bed, stopping only briefly for a glance in the full length mirror.The only light in the room was the moonlight and a weak candle by the bed, but I could see everything perfectly. Such is the nature of dreams. Sitting on the bed waiting for Fayt to come rescue me and set off a grand adventure, I got the vague impression that something was a little different in the room this time. I studied the room for some clue to what was bothering me and perhaps to what lay ahead. Every dream like this started the same, but I had never had to wait on Fayt so long. _  
_I heard a noise from within the room. Startled, I jumped up and looked around frantically before I froze. There was one corner of the room that was completely dark. That was new. Suddenly, I realized how this dream was different. Fayt wasn't coming at all. This wasn't about him and he wasn't going to rescue me this time. This was about my previously unseen captor and I knew who he was before he ever stepped out of the dark with a sinister chuckle. Albel. _  
_I remained still. What could I do? I knew the bedroom door would be locked and the window would be no help. While I contemplated my lack of options, Albel only stalked toward me silently. I simply watched as he rounded the bed to my side. Just as he came around the side, I cried out and tried to climb over the bed to the other side. That was a mistake. He quickly had me pinned and even more helpless. I squirmed beneath him. He leaned close to me and I could hear him laughing quietly at me. I opened my eyes._

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

He was staring at me from the bed beside mine. My face heated immediately. I flipped over and went back to sleep.

_I have GOT to stay away from him.  
_

_6/2/07  
_


	8. Chapter 8

Well, a short chapter just to show I'm still alive and trying to write. I haven't been in much of a writing mood lately and when I have it hasn't been fanfiction. Oh well. Life just gets the better of me sometimes.

Chapter 8

The road between Suferio and Peterny was a lot clearer with Convictors in the area, but there were occasionally thieves brave or desperate enough to leave the forest. We encountered a large band of them on the way back to Peterny. It didn't take Maria, Albel and me long to finish them all off though. As the battle ended, I could only think of how we had once again fought and killed people, not monsters.

_Of course, I use to think that it would be horrible to kill monsters too. I've changed so much since we left Earth for vacation. I don't even know myself anymore. I use to know who I was and what I stood for and believed in. I was a college student on Earth. I was a bit eccentric. I liked cooking and reading and didn't spend much time on computers or play video games unless it involved raising animals or food. I was made fun of all the time, but I just ignored it. I was even pushed around some before Fayt found out and put a stop to it. I just let people bully me too. I wasn't a violent or confrontational person at all. Most people didn't pay much attention to me at all though. I had plenty of friends, so I didn't mind. I just wasn't invited to anything that would even seem like bending the rules. I was always afraid of doing something wrong and getting caught. Now, I wander around an underdeveloped planet -illegal- killing things just to get stronger so I can fight and kill the very being that created us all. What happened to that innocent, caring, young girl?_

_Life. _

_Life happened to me... and really, can I call this life? I feel like it. Well, screw the Creator. I say I'm alive and I'm not going to be deleted. ..._

_I've grown up. I don't know yet if I like who I am becoming, but I don't really have time to stop and think about it and I have to continue doing this to survive. It's not fair... It's life._

_It's not fair that our vacation was ruined. It's not fair that we were separated and had to go through everything we have had to go through. It's not fair that Uncle Robert died... but it is life._

_We have lives... and we keep taking lives... so we can save more. I don't know how I feel about it anymore. There was a time when killing anything... well, except for food, I guess... was something I thought inexcusable. I wonder what I would do know if anyone tried to pick on me... Would I kill them? ... I am so use to killing now... Would I even think about what was about to do before doing it? _

_What will my mother think of me if she finds out?... if she is still alive._

_Whatever I am becoming is not good. I have gone from caring to killing. Look at that battlefield. That is all my life is now. Fighting and killing. I am surrounded by it... and I am so weak that it has made me a heartless killer as well._

"Sophia?" Fayt broke through my thoughts.

"Are you okay? You've been just staring at... out there for a while."

"Just thinking."

"Oh? About what?"

I sighed for a moment to think.

"All the changes since this started. Things will never be the same again."

Fayt thought about this for several seconds before replying.

"No, but hopefully when this is all over, everything will be better."

_That's my best friend. My Fayt. Still an optimist._

I smiled at him.

"Hopefully.

He smiled back.

"There we go. There's my Sophia."

Then, he became very serious for a moment.

"You've been acting strange for a while you know."

"I just need some time to process all of this."

"Well, when this is all over with, we will go home and take all the time we need. For now, if you need anything, just tell me, okay?"

I nodded and we walked to Peterny side by side in silence.

_That's Fayt. If anything, this is changing him for the better. Maybe I should spend more time around him. Then again, it doesn't usually work that way. The good go bad more than the bad go good. I still don't know what to do._

_7/11 _


	9. Chapter 9

Well, it seems it be the unfortunate fact that in order to be "in the mood" to right this story I have to be at least borderline depressed and feeling creative at the same time. I wrote the last part some time ago, but didn't write the middle or beginning until last night. I just don't have the time to be depressed right now either. Well, I suppose I do if it comes and goes last night. Writing really does help. It's a great distraction. Anyway, good, bad, or mediocre, here is the next chapter.

When we got to Peterny, we went our separate ways. I didn't pay attention to where everyone else was going. I just wondered around the town center without a purpose. Somehow I ended at the church.

_Just because we were created by the 4D people, doesn't mean they couldn't have been created by God, or a god, right?_

. It really didn't matter to me at the time. Any way that it was, I felt awkward in a church after all that I had done. A church was still a holy place... a place of good. Still, I was wanting to change, right? As I walked down the aisle, I noticed that there was no one else present. Even the church staff that was usually there was gone. I thought I heard the door open and close, but I still saw no one when I turned back. It felt too odd being there, so I walked back to the door. Just as I reached for the handle, I heard a small vocal sound and the shifting of feet.

_Albel_

He didn't even have to completely out of the shadow in the corner for me to know it was him.

"Hm. Come to confess your sins?"

"Well... uh.. I don't... d... d... don't know." I stumbled over my words.

"Who exactly is it that you want to forgive you?"

He stalked toward me and I back away trying to think of some response.

"Apris? No," he laughed, "what about Fayt?"

I knew I was about to back into a corner myself.

"Well?"

"What?"

"Fayt."

"Well... I.. what?"

He ignored my sputtering. With lightning reflexes, he grabbed me with his good arm and pushed me against the wall.

"Do you love him?"

"W-what?"

"Fayt. Do you love him?"

"Well, like a brother."

"How long have you known him?"

"M-my whole life."

"Does he love you?"

"Uh.. Well, like a sister, I suppose."

"Hm. You spend a lot of time together?"

"I... uh... I guess."

"What about your other friends?"

"I don't really have a lot of other friends."

"How old are you?"

"Seventeen."

"What is your family name?"

"Esteed."

"Do you have any brothers or sisters?"

"No."

He fired off some more personal questions with the same quick speed of his movements.

"What is your favorite season?"

"Spring."

"Favorite color?"

"Pink."

"Your favorite flower?"

"Daisy."

"Do you like to read?"

"Yes."

"Sew?"

"Yes."

"Dance?"

"Not really."

"Sing?"

"No."

"Fight?"

"I don't know."

"You think you're bad?"

"Yes."

"Was I a good fuck last night?"

"Y... what!?"

As he chuckled softly, I realized that question was his intention all along. I was immensely relieved when he let me go and walked away. I had grown warm with blushing. With his body heat so close to mine, I was nearly suffocating.

When the door closed behind him, I sank to the floor. I don't know how long I sat there. The church staff returned, but I did not hear them. Finally, I stood and somehow found my way to the inn.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

_Who am I?_

I looked at my reflection. It was no help to me. The mirror simply showed me a girl- no a young woman- who seemed to be... well, not who I am. The woman in the mirror did not look like the girl I felt like. She looked strong, confident, and good, but as I looked into her eyes I saw me. Then, the girl in the mirror changed. She looked the same, but it was as obvious as if her hair turned pink. I saw the me inside. It wasn't a good change.

The inn in Peterny was expensive, but it was worth it for one reason. Indoor plumping. There were places in other towns that we could stay for free, but besides Castle Aquaria, there was no indoor plumping.

_A nice hot bath sounds perfect. Just sink in and forget about her and me. Just stop thinking. I don't want to think anymore._

But as I submerged myself in the warm water, I could not help but think. I thought of Earth and the life I had before Hyda. I retraced my steps from the attack until the most recent battle and my talk with Fayt. I thought of the plans I had before vacation and where my life had been going. I thought of my old dreams and my old self and cried because it made me feel like crying.

_Who am I now? I don't really fit in this world. I was a good student, but school won't last forever. I like to cook and cleaning relaxes me, but it would be ruined if I did that for a job. Apparently, I am good at fighting too, but I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to do anything. All I want to do is stay in this tub until the water turns cold. Then, I'll get into bed and never get out... If only I could._

I did stay in the bath tub, silent tears running down my face into the water, until the water finally did turned cold. Then, I got out and got ready for bed. Luckily, it was my turn to have my own room, because if anyone saw me walking around as dazed as I was, I would be questioned for sure. Then, the whole group, save Albel, would want to know what was wrong and they would try to help me.

_But no one can help me. This is happening inside me. If I can't fix this, no one can... and I don't feel like trying._

I climbed into bed knowing, or at least hoping, that when I woke up this spell I was going through would be worked out of me though my dreams. Yes, I was sure it would pass and I would get caught up in the world again. I knew sleep would not cure my problems, but I thought maybe I would at least put this behind me for a while.

_I may never be the girl I use to be, but surely there is still a place for me in the world. Maybe it is wishful thinking, but the universe is so large that there _must _be something for me. Don't I have a purpose? Doesn't everyone? Well, besides entertainment for the people of 4D. I don't know and I don't feel like thinking about it tonight. We are still a long ways from defeating the Creator. One thing at a time. We defeat the Creator. Then, I figure out who and what I am and what to do with the life that I do have. I just don't want to think anymore tonight._

With that thought, I pulled the covers around me and fell asleep within a minute.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

I woke to a dark room. Knowing something must have disturbed my sleep, I froze. I have never liked the dark. I tried to tell myself that I was just being paranoid when I felt like there was something in the room. Then, I saw and heard something move. Holding my breath, I went through possible explanations.

_Something blew... something. Wind... window is shut. Vents.. no, underdeveloped planet. Monster... ghost... demon..._

There was movement again. It got closer and closer until I saw it.

_The first and last guesses were close enough._

It was Albel. I sat and watched him come, wondering if I was dreaming, because it felt so real.

"Is this a dream?"

He said nothing for the seconds it took to close the gap to my bed.

"Does it matter?" he asked, standing over my bed as I lay propped up on one elbow.

"Well... what do you mean?"

"Either way, you want me here."

I didn't know what to say and by the time I was wondering why I hadn't denied it, he was speaking again.

"Either way," he spoke softly as he leaned in close to me and paused, "You haven't told me to leave."

I opened my mouth with the intention of telling him to leave, but said nothing. With a smirk, he took advantage of the moment to kiss me. When I did nothing to stop him, he pushed me farther back onto the bed.

I spent a few moments debating my moral obligations and beliefs. I had never even kissed a guy before, but... why shouldn't I? In the end, I decided that I was bad anyway.

8/31/07


	10. Chapter 10

Wow. Life is kicking my butt right now. I really don't even have the time to do this right now. I am so far behind in school that I skipped a class today just so I wouldn't have to talk to my professor about the progress on my assignment.

I actually wrote this quite a while ago, but it's not really a complete chapter. I figured I'd go ahead and post it anyway though. Thanksgiving break is two weeks away. Hopefully, I'll be able to write then.

* * *

Ow, Ow, Ow.

It took me a while the next morning to realize why I was sore ... there. Well, I was sore all over, but mostly there. Realization dawned upon me with horror.

_I had sex with Albel. I slept with Albel the Wicked. Damn it._

My heart began racing and I breathing became difficult.

_What if they find out. Oh god, what if they find out. Will he tell them? I've got to find him._

I had to walk around the room for a minute to walk normal, or at least what I hoped was normal. Still, I was in a hurry, so I rushed out the room to find Albel. I ran into Fayt as soon as I opened the door.

"Sophia. Oh, good. I was worried about you."

"Oh, sorry, I had another bad dream last night."

_Does he know? Does he know? Has Albel already told everyone? Oh no no no._

"Are you okay?"

"I just had another bad dream last night. I thought it'd never end."

He hugged me and I did my best to act normal.

"I'm sorry you got dragged into this, Sophia."

"Hey, I made a decision at Moonbase to do this."

"I know. I just wish I could protect you from this."

"But you can't... and that's okay. I'm a big girl. So, where are the others?"

_Where is Albel?_

"Everyone just finished eating. I think everyone is just wondering around town. Sorry we ate without you. Actually, it was Albel that suggested we let you sleep in."

"How odd."

_Did he say anything else... like how I'd probably be sore today because he's nearly as rough in bed as on the battlefield?_

"Yeah. He kept acting like he knew something, but wouldn't tell us. I wonder what that was about."

"Oh, you know Albel. He's always trying to mess with people's heads."

"Yeah, you're right. So are you hungry?"

_Now that I know he hasn't told anyone yet and probably won't just so he can hold it over my head?..._

"Starving."

"Great. I'll go with you."

We walk to the diner in an awkward silence at first. We use to be able to talk for hours upon hours about everything from the meaning of life to what we put on our favorite sandwiches and the order we put it all on. Now, we were reaching for anything and grasping nothing.

"Um. The weather on Ellicoor is nice." I tried, though we'd already had this conversation.

"We've been talking about going back to Gemity to get better supplies."

"That's a good idea. We're about out of everything."

"Yeah. So, what did you dream about?"

"Uh... I don't remember when I wake up." I lied.

"I had a crazy dream last night. I was this character from one of my games..."

* * *

11/5/07


	11. Chapter 11

Well, I hope things begin to proceed a little more quickly over the next month, but I'm making no promises. I hope someone can enjoy this chapter. And if I don't update like I plan too, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

* * *

My mind was everywhere as we traveled to Gemity. I didn't battle at all. 

The bright colors of Gemity always amazed me, even many years later, and it took me a long time to get use to the transparent floor. I remember the wonder in your eyes the first time I took you there. I loved the way the sparkles fall from the air and the many adventures and games that can take place.

I admired the park in wonder as we went to get supplies. Afterwards, we discussed going to the battle arena and eventually decided to go to it. I meant to sit out and rest. I needed it. A registration error caused me to be entered into the team instead of Maria, so I fought. It was one of the most difficult fights I had ever had to fight. The opponents weren't that tough, but I really needed that rest. Albel watched from the side with a look that I couldn't quite identify. He did not like team fights when it could be avoided, so he really surprised me when he pulled me aside after the matches were over.

"If you're going to fight again today, tell me first."

He sounded annoyed.

"Well, I... I didn't really mean to fight then. I don't plan on entering again."

"Hmph. Well, it might help."

"Ah..."

"You didn't do that bad... for a weak maggot." he said as he turned and walked away.

I joined Fayt, Nel, Mirage, and Adray in the stands to watch Peppita, Cliff, and Maria. During the first two fights, my mind wandered considerably. I thought about what Albel had said and what we had done. Before the matches started, Fayt tried questioning me about what I was thinking and what was wrong again, but thankfully, he was distracted when the fight began.

_I enjoyed that. As much as it hurt to fight, I enjoyed the battle. What happened to me? How could I have become such a monster? And now... now I've slept with Albel. What would the others think if they knew? What would Fayt think?_

"Sophia?"

The second match had ended and Fayt was paying attention to me again. There was a time when that was all I wanted, but now I wished he'd stick to his games and stuff.

_Do I really wish that?_

"Yes, Fayt?" I smiled much brighter than I felt.

"Are you sure you're okay? You seem different today."

"Oh, I'm just thinking about joining another match."

"I thought you didn't feel like fighting today."

I shrugged. "I changed my mind. We still have a lot of practice to do to fight the Creator."

_And it is nice to get lost in a battle and not have to think about... well, to not have to think._

"Yeah. So, who do you want to be on your team?"

"Well, I guess you and..."

_Albel_

"Albel."

"Albel? Do you think he'll actually join?"

"Maybe. Oh! The next fight is starting!"

After they won, we all went to eat before Fayt, Albel, and I were scheduled to fight. Everyone else seemed surprised Albel agreed to fight on a team so easily, but I thought he would. He wouldn't tell me not to fight. He wouldn't tell someone else to look out for me or take care of me. He seemed to have the attitude that whether he wanted it or not, it was his responsibility to make sure I wasn't hurt too badly... unless, of course, he was doing to hurting, but even then he probably held back.

Our match went well. Normally, we fight on the D or C rank, but with the three of us, we thought we'd try the B. When we were fighting the Proclaimer, though, I began to doubt if we could do it. Then, the Chimera came out and I knew that we'd at least have to buy a lot more supplies. Really, I didn't think we could do it. Somehow, we made it and the experience was great. I never would have thought risking my life to that serious of a degree would be so exhilarating. I use to look both ways five times before crossing a road with a sign saying I could go.

_Now I'm risking my life fighting in a competition for the purpose of which is the entertainment of a group of people from a whole other world. I've changed so much._

I tried to get away from the others after we healed ourselves and got more supplies, but it was beginning to seem like Albel had a tracking device on me. I had found a secluded corner and sat down. Thinking seemed to bring me trouble. I was sick of crying, but I found myself crying anyway. Looking back, I was like a broken record.

I think Albel watched me for a moment before he spoke to me.

"Are you still hurt?"

He didn't actually sound concerned.

"No. I'm okay."

"So your pathetic crying is even more unfounded... or is this about last night."

I blushed very deeply.

"No! I... I've just been thinking."

"Hmph."

"It's just-" I tried to start tearily.

"I care not for your nonsense. The blue haired fool wants to waste our time going back to one of his precious workshops before coming back here for more training."

With that, he turned and left. After a short moment, I stood and put a cheery smile on my face. I practically skipped to join the others despite the pain that stabbed through my whole body and most especially my head and heart.

"Where've you been, Sophia?" Fayt asked.

"Oh, just exploring." I smiled.

_Damn. I am getting too good at lying to him._

* * *

12/18/07 


	12. Chapter 12

Is a disclaimer really necessary on a site like this? heh. I guess it never hurts, though. One of my biggest fears in college (and I can have many of them) is to accidentally plagiarize something and get kicked out. That would suck.

* * *

I was really beginning to enjoy battling. I hated myself for it too. Battling was a release though. If I wasn't battling, I had to either pretend that was happy while I really felt like I was rotting on the inside or find a place to be alone. Battling was something I could do that didn't involve pretending or crying. I didn't have to think about what I had become and sometimes I didn't have to think about Albel. That one was becoming harder. At least training at the Gemity battle area allowed me to fight without needing to feel guilty about not feeling guilty. It was just a game. Then, after we won I could just say that I was tired and go back to my room. 

Ever since the other night with Albel, I had worked very hard to share a room with someone and to never be alone. That's when he always found me. I only managed to avoid him three days though. 

After an excellent day of fighting, Fayt called a meeting. It was decided that we would try for the Creator again. If the Mosel Dunes went well, we would keep going. We had just dismissed when Fayt called to me.

"Sophia, can we just talk for a while?"

"Sure! What's on your mind?"

_No, no, no. I room with Nel tonight and she'll notice if I cry. _

"So how are you doing?" he asked.

"Fine."

_Has he always been this awkward?_

Then, he turned and hugged me. I barely held it together. That was actually impressive. At that point in my life, a pretty flower could make me cry. 

"I know this has been hard on you, Sophia. I'm sorry that you got dragged into this and have to fight. It'll be over soon. I promise."

"I know. We'll make it through and everything will be fine. I just know it!" I gave him my best fake positive smile.

_Yeah. As if it works that way. _

"Sophia, you're amazing. After everything you've gone through, you're still the same positive person."

_Just smile. Just smile._

I couldn't smile.

"What's wrong, Sophia?"

I managed to fake a yawn. 

"I'm sorry. I'm just really tired."

"I'm sorry. I'll walk you back to your room now."

"No, thanks. I want to walk around by myself and relax for a while first. I'll be fine."

_I need to go cry and get it out of my system, hopefully, before I go to the same room as Nel._

"I don't know, Sophia..."

"I'll be fine. I can take care of myself."

_Does he say my name enough?_

"Well, okay, but be careful."

"I will."

We parted ways and I walked through the bright streets of Gemity alone until I finally found a small quiet park that was kind of like a maze. The 4D people never seem to rest. I had hoped that Albel had just gone to bed, but why would I be so lucky.

_I don't deserve it._

"Have a nice talk with the maggot?" he asked, following me through the entrance and around the first corner.

"Fine, thank you."

_Now go away_

"Re-bond with your old friend?"

I paused to look at him.

"What does it matter to you? Jealous?"

I turned to go back to the room.

_I'll just try to think of an excuse._

"Why would I be jealous when I'm the one that knows what you truly are. I could tell him any time and he'd never look at you the same again."

I froze. My heart either stopped or raced. I could not tell because I had gone so numb all over. I knew he was smirking because he knew he had me. I could feel his presence as he stalked up behind me. He leaned down and spoke quietly to my ear.

"Did you enjoy fighting today?"

I knew it was a question that demanded an answer. I nodded. I would have known if I lied.

"Did you even care about the suffering of the creatures we fought? Do you think they volunteered to fight us?"

"They're... they're just simulations. They're not real."

"Isn't that what they say about us?"

I don't know if I can even describe the feeling that came over me then. 

"That's what I thought. You can't even recognize their pain now. Soon, you'll be just like me."

I started sobbing. 

"Why do you always start crying?" he roared as he grabbed my shoulder and threw me into the hedge wall of the maze. 

"I thought you might actually make a decent soldier someday, but you can't accept what you must do to win the war we are in!"

"I think I'm accepting it too much." I sniffed.

"No you fool! You can't accept that you have to turn off your sensitivity to your enemies feelings and pain. If you don't, you become useless, even more so than usual, and you lose. If you keep looking at your enemies as you want to so badly, you'll lose your mind and the battle. You are the biggest fool I've ever met!"

I was wide mouth and speechless as he stormed off. The next morning, I barely remembered going back to my room. I never cried though.

* * *

4/18/08


	13. Chapter 13

Well, I need to be studying for my finals, but I wrote this out. I hope to finish this story and my other one this summer. It would just go on far too long otherwise. This chapter is short, but maybe it will get me started again.

* * *

An emptiness where my heart should be.

A pain inside that I can't describe.

And it is so easy to laugh and make jokes.

Still, I just want to curl up and cry.

Except for my heart, the pain only hurts a little.

It just makes me want to rip my heart in two

because that is what it feels like it is trying to do.

And all along, I laugh and smile naturally.

The emptiness does fade for a moment.

The worst part is not knowing.

Not knowing how long it will last

Not knowing what is bothering me in the first place.

Would it be any easier?

I don't know.

I sat around the breakfast table slightly uneasy from the start. Albel had not joined us for the first time in a while. It was just me and my friends. I smiled. I laughed. I even told a few jokes. They weren't that funny, but everyone laughed.

A suppose a part of me may have been feeling happy, or at least content. The other part, the larger part, was not. Something was bothering me now and I could not figure out what it was. I was becoming more uneasy by the second. I shifted. I fidgeted. I couldn't be still. I got a few strange glances.

_Was what he said true? Has losing my feelings been necessary? A way for me to simply survive this experience?_

I tried to focus on the conversation. Peppita wanted to talk about this television show. We talked about the last episode and expressed our hopes for the future of the characters, ignoring the possibility of there not being one. I couldn't keep it up though. The feeling in my heart was too strange to ignore for long and I needed desperately to be away from them.

"um... I've gotta go to the bathroom. I'll be back in a minute."

"Ok, we'll leave for the arena when you get back, so hurry." Fayt told me. It was our last full day in Gemity before we tried to go after the Creator again.

"Hey, I gotta go too!" Peppita jumped in, "Let's go!"

_Dammit_ I thought. Then, I thought it again when I realized I had thought it.

We went to the bathroom and to the arena. I fought hard all day. I only saw Albel once that day and he wouldn't even look at me. As we gathered for supper, I hoped he would join us, but he didn't. I struggled through supper much the same as breakfast. I still never got to be alone, so I announced after supper that I was going to take a walk. I declined several offers for company and set out to the hedge maze. I needed to see Albel. I hated the thought, but it was true. I needed to talk to him. He probably would not be of any help, but I had to try. Maybe he would do it by accident.

_I'll just wander off alone and he'll find me. He always comes to torment me. Always._

I walked into the maze. I found my way to the center. It took about an hour. There was a prize for those who made it to the center and an option to find another way out or take a short cut. I was tired, but I still hadn't seen Albel, so I took the long way. I never saw him. Reluctantly, I dragged myself back to my room with Mirage and collapsed into my bed

* * *

4/28/08


	14. Chapter 14

Well, thank you to Quince for your enthusiastic review. I've been very busy since school started. An art major (graphic design) can be very time demanding. Add a job waiting tables and a design project for a company and I have barely looked at my stories lately. Your review made me look at my story before my first class started and I just started writing from then through the next few hours

Of course, I'm behind on one of my school projects, but luckily one of my classes was cancelled! Anyway, it's nice to know that someone (or a few someones) actually want to know what comes next. The design project is nearly over, so maybe (no promises) I can find time to write more often. I'll try. This one is stalling a little because I haven't decided how to end it, but I'll keep thinking about it.

* * *

Chapter 14

My dreams that night should not be told and are nothing I want to remember. The beginning was not as bad as the rest, but it was very trying on my tired body and mind. It was very dark and I was looking for Albel. I stumbled my way through a maze even though I could not see anything. It seemed no matter how long I looked I could not find him I did keep seeing Fayt. He was constantly popping up. He would ask me if I was ok and tell me I could talk to him. I would make excuses and run from him. Soon I just ran. The last time I saw him, I was so frustrated that I had violent thoughts toward him. That's when Albel showed up. I wish that was when I woke.

I did wake eventually and to the very concerned faces of Mirage and Nell. They began to question me and I could not take it. I pushed them out of the way and bolted.

"I'm not sick. Just leave me alone!"

_Not physically sick anyway_

I ran, looking for a place to hide. Eventually, I gave up looking and just found a bench in a park. I don't know how long I sat there, not crying, just staring at nothing but the bushes in front of me, but it must have been about half an hour. I was so lost in my own thoughts that I was taken by surprise when a shadow fell across me.

_Of course. He always finds me when I want to be alone._

"Sophia?"

_Fayt?_

"I want to be alone, sorry."

"I know, but..." He put his hand on my shoulder. "I don't think you need to be."

He sat down next to me.

"Tell me what is wrong, Sophia. Please."

I shuddered as memories from what all Albel and I had done in my dream after so many similar requests from Dream Fayt.

"I can't. I just can't. Please leave me alone."

"I can't. Sophia, you're my friend. We've been close since we were little kids. We have told each other everything.Talk to me, please!"

"You wouldn't understand." I could feel my emotions building up again. I had managed not to cry, but my eyes were beginning to tear up now.

"What wouldn't I understand? The only thing I don't understand is why you've been so distant ever since that battle where you started crying."

_He's noticed?_

"Yes, I've noticed. You fooled everyone else, but I know you. I've known there was something still wrong, but not what. I dismissed it as being in my head. I dismissed it as you just changing some, growing up more or something. I tried to talk to you about it. I tried to give you space to work it out, but you're just getting worse. Whatever it is, you can tell me. Is the fighting getting to you too much? You don't have to fight. You can wait–"

"No!"

It was too much. I started crying again.

"The fighting isn't getting to me too much! It's not getting to me enough! I go into battle and enjoy it. I don't care about those that we fight, not even the people! I'm becoming a monster myself!"

Sobbing, I threw myself against his chest and he wrapped his arms around me.

"No, no, Sophia. That's not true."

I nodded, still buried in his arms.

"No. You are just doing what you have to do to get by. Imagine if you did care so much while fighting. It would be to hard on you. You're such a good person."

_Albel. Like Albel said... but..._

"But you..."

"It gets to me sometimes, but usually I just pretend it's one of my games."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

We sat there in silence for a while. I had moved back to my original position away from him, but the distance didn't seem as great. I thought about what he said. It was the same idea as Albel. Fayt knows me and Albel knows fighting and war. I was coming to believe it when Albel said it, but now that Fayt unknowingly agreed it seemed to be very reasonable.

"I think you should stay in Aquaria when we go after the creator."

"No."

I was surprised to hear how calm I was.

"This is important work. Everyone is needed. I will be ok."

"You've said that before..."

"Yeah, but it's different now. Besides, you might need my connection gene again. We haven't even gotten to the Ruins and opened the door to Luther's space. I have to do that."

He seemed to think about it for a moment and nodded. He wouldn't try to stop me from going with them.

"Ready to go eat breakfast?" he asked.

_The others! What must they think?! I have been acting so strange. I'm okay with Fayt and Albel, but what will I say to the others? I wonder if Albel will even be there. Will he have already told the others? I didn't even tell Fayt about how much Albel and I have been talking. Of course, Albel has been avoiding me, but he might be there. At least, he doesn't care. He doesn't judge me, really. But the others..._

"Sophia?"

He took my hand to help me up, but I pulled away.

"I can't go face them, Al... all, Fayt."

"Okay, okay." he let go of me.

_He sounds like he's talking to a crazy person or an upset child._

"I tell you what, how about I go talk to them."

I started to object, but he cut me off.

"I'll tell them only what they need to know and then I'll come get you. When you get there, no one will question you or act strange around you."

_Yes they will._

"Okay." I nodded.

_Maybe I could run away while he's gone... but how would that help anything?_

So, Fayt left to go tell the others something. I got up to walk around and try to relax my mind. I got a headache from crying so hard. I was really sick of crying. Then, I felt something change. I didn't have to see him. He didn't have to make a sound. I knew Albel was there.

"What do you want?" I asked him

"Have a little heart to heart with your friend?"

"Yes, so now you have nothing to hold over my head."

"Really?" He stretched out the word so well. "So, you told him everything, hm? You told him about us? You told him about our night together?"

I had opened my mouth to answer the first question, but the next three, especially the last, made me freeze. With my mouth still open, I realized that I had left so much out of what I told Fayt. Albel simply smiled one of his wicked smiles, knowing he still had me. I began to wonder why I didn't mind.

* * *

9/11/08


End file.
